FiVe ReAsOns wHy yOu wErE dUmped

1. You tried to kill yourself in the shower. By hanging yourself. With a bungee cord. You did not succeed.

2.  You spent half the night discussing what the Canadian Wheat Board meant to you, then stole my identity and my shoes

3. After we fell asleep after having sex for the first time, I woke up to find you cracking my knuckles.

4. I'm not sure that making a single bottle of shampoo last for four years is something to celebrate.

5. You told me you didn't masturbate for three years because you were worried your dead grandmother could see you and would be disappointed.